If you’ve been listening to my music for a while (thank you! <3), you might have been surprised at how different “Heart Armour 33” is, compared to something like “Realm of the Unicorns”. Most of my wonderful listeners only know me as a dark ambient artist but I made an exception here and went back to my roots a little…
Everything I write has a deep meaning to me and is completely authentic. I just don’t see a point in releasing music otherwise. So let me tell you the short version about my little anthem:
A few years back I had my heart broken by someone I loved dearly. I feel foolish admitting this now but I really thought he was “the one”. I know, we’ve all been there at some point, right?
It was in the middle of a cold January, my African Grey parrot Snu was diagnosed with a fungal infection and fighting for his life. (Don’t worry, Snu has survived!)
I was so anxious and scared to lose him. I grew up with that bird, who is now over 30 years old and I consider him a sibling. All this stress and worry gave me the flu but I couldn’t rest, desperately trying to find a knowledgeable vet in my area.
My boyfriend at the time abruptly ended our relationship because he missed the “freedom” of being able to party the night away and had no interest in being there for me and my parrot.
Needless to say, I was in shock. Already riddled with anxiety over Snu, feverish and weak, I now also had that crushing pain in my chest aka heartache to deal with. I didn’t feel equipped for this at all. So I needed to forge my own armour out of music.
I spent that night on my keyboard, selecting sounds to reflect the sensations I felt inside. I also hit the red wine, whilst furiously scribbling lyrics into my notebook.
Trying to sit still was a battle. The restlessness was unbearable, as all I wanted to do was go for a long hike/run around like a headless chicken and cry – but my body was too weak. So the music had to do the marching for me – I found some guitar plugins to play with and kept thinking to myself: “I need protection from all of this. It’s too much pain, too much to process all at once. I need some kind of armour for my heart.”
And there it was. Heart Armour. I listened to it on repeat, every time I had to go out and face the town we both lived in. Every time I saw him with another girl. And every time I bumped into him in town, when he attempted to explain himself/trying to manipulate me – Heart Armour 33 was played on repeat on my headphones, reminding me that there is a warrior inside of me, inside of all of us and I refused to continue to give him so much power over my emotions. I claimed myself back and my armour gave me the protection and shelter I needed to heal from it all.
Since then the meaning of Heart Armour 33 has deepened and outgrown itself, as well as the original story behind it – because of all the feedback I’ve received from my wonderful listeners. I feel incredibly honored that this song and symbolism has empowered and inspired others when they needed it most, not just during break ups but life’s challenges in general. You make all this so worth it and have given this song a whole new meaning!
So why the 33? This number has haunted me for years now, appearing everywhere ever since my ex mentioned it “followed” him around. I still see an awful lot of 33’s these days. They say it means the universe is communicating with you or something. Who knows, I quite like the mystery – it makes life a little more exciting.
Love and Unicorns,
A huge, heartfelt thank you to my friends who helped me with this project:
expLOHR, for collaborating with me, creating awesome alternate versions and countless nocturnal hangouts.
Joseph Hunwick for the amazing cover photo and your never-ending kindness,
Tayfun Kilic for creating the heart armour necklace in your shop with me. You are a good brother.